Maybe Two Glassess of Wine Tonight Would Be Alright...

Today was an interesting day. I realized today that I am not the only one who is worn out, tired, and emotional. Though I am sorry to those of you that had this emotional day, it helped me feel normal. Let me explain to my non-nursing school friends.

We went in for our last test today (before the finals) and you could see that everyone was worn down and is hanging on to their sanity by a thread. I took this test that I was completely unprepared for (and yes friends, I truly mean totally unprepared, not my typical "I studied for 60 hours and am unprepared" kind of crap I usually pull, I truly mean unprepared!). I went in, took my test, and hit the submit button. It always takes awhile once you hit the submit button to get your test score back, but my god this was insanity on how long the computer system made me sit there waiting to see my grade. Now you non-nursing school people can't even begin to understand, but once you hit that submit button you experience a flash of emotions. Panic, because you don't know what number is going to show up, relief, because the test is over, your heart feels like it's about to jump out of your chest, but yet somehow at the exact same time you are too scared to breathe. So this is what I am feeling as I swear to god I am waiting an eternity for my score to pop up. Then finally... there it was. 76%. Now friends, this is failing. Passing is a 78%. But with how unprepared I was for this test I was happy with my 76%. It was a freaking hard ass test, and I am confident that at least one question will par up to bring me to my needed 78%.

I close the computer down and walk out into the hall where I find about 10 of my dear friends talking. They stop when they see me there and ask "so how bad did you fail?" I just stood dumbfounded trying to figure out how all these people knew I failed. They then inform me not one of them had passed the test and they ask what my score was. I tell them (being humiliated because still... I failed) and they proceed to tell me that was one of the highest scores thus far. What?!?!? Pardon me? I think I didn't understand you correctly. My 76% was good? I found out that most people got in the low 70's high 60's. None of us had done this bad since the dreaded horrific respiratory test (I swear a chill just went down my spine uttering those words).

I tell you this information because it plays into the beginning of my story. Somehow in the next twenty minutes I witness all hell break loose between my classmates. Next thing I know there are 7 (at least) women crying and two yelling and the shit officially hit the fan. Once again to my nursing school friends, I am sorry that you had such a shitty day, but on the other hand THANK YOU!!!!! I have for the last month (or year... take your pick) felt like everyday I was slowly losing my mind. I have felt emotional, exhausted, moody, depressed (along with many happy feelings too, but that's not the point here). I felt normal seeing that these other students were right there with me having their meltdown. A test is a test. We will survive it. But this wasn't about the test. This was more about trying to survive and being too tired to continue on with the basic politeness that most human beings possess. This was about meltdown city, and for the first time in awhile, I felt somewhat normal as this is all transpiring. I was able to sit back, and smile because I know the test will par up and I will pass. I know that at no job throughout my career will they ask to see my transcripts and ask what grade I got in a class. All they care about is if I have a license and if I competent to do the work.

Now don't get me wrong my dear readers. I am still competitive, and I still want those A's. But when it really comes down to it DOES IT REALLY MATTER???? NO! Of course not. What matters is are we good nurses who are competent and caring and will do everything in our power to advocate for our patient? That's what's important here. Not the A's. Not the minuscule bull shit that school instills in us in order to stress us out more. Did you learn something? Are you competent? If those answers are yes, then screw the rest and take pride in the fact that you got in on a highly competitive scholarship program, survived nursing school, and have a career and future ahead of you. I am attempting to take my own advice friends, I'm writing this more for myself than for you. I swear.

Now about the blog. I have about 8 days left of being a nursing student and have pondered what to do with the blog "A Day in the Life of a Nursing Student". For a brief moment it seemed outdated once I am done with school. I know there are a few of you who actually follow and appreciate my blog so here's what I have decided to do. Just because I am done with 'nursing school' doesn't mean I am done being schooled as a nurse. There is endless education opportunities for this field of work, and I figured that it could be fun to keep the blog and relate things that happen in my career to lessons learned at school and continue showing you guys my journey in my career. I am fully planning on going back for my bachelor's degree, and once that's done see where the road takes me. Maybe it'll be more schooling, maybe not. Maybe it will be a different area of nursing other than hospital floor nursing. Who knows. The opportunities are endless!

So I will not be shutting down the blog. It's sort of my project now, and I find it fun to look back at the adventures, trials, and triumphs of the last 2 years. I have grown substantially in those two years and I am proud of what I have accomplished and who I have become. I have a new sense of pride in myself that I have never had before and feel as though with accomplishing this endless hell of school I can hold my head high and take pride in who I have become. We've worked our asses off people, all of us who have gone through school, through life, take pride in what you have accomplished and take a minute to look back and appreciate that without those trials you wouldn't be who you are today. God knows we have each gone through our own hurdles that we have to triumph, and I'm taking the Jared point of view on these and despite the fact they were beyond difficult, and even at times I was convinced I was being given something I couldn't handle, I am appreciative for these difficulties because they made me appreciate the good times in life and take some self-pride out of what I have overcome.

I say this with the most delicious glass of wine in my hand and hold it up to you my dear friends. I cheers to the hard work you have done, I cheers to where you are at in your life, I cheers to the trials you've had and the trials you will have, I cheers to who you are and the fact you should be proud of yourself. Cheers to you my friends. Now pass the wine, I need another glass after this day!

Wow... I Really Do Have Feelings Despite the Fact I Try to Pretend I Don't

Wow... 65 days... wow. I've typed up multiple drafts of what I wanted to say for this blog. One was funny, one was kinda bitchy, and one was just sort of depressing. I didn't know how to incorporate what I was thinking and feeling into this blog. And I'm just realizing that I couldn't possibly make it flow the way I want to because that's kind of how my mind has been working the last two weeks. It seems that it has just been a jumble of craziness that I can't really decipher through. I guess all I really wanted to accomplish by writing something right now was to get my feelings and thoughts out so I could make some sort of sense of them, and just to let word out to those that I don't get to see or talk to very often that I am alive and what is going on in my life.

Luckily I have so many of you who keep encouraging me and giving me inspiration about school. You're right, there's not much left. I'm over the hump and just have the tail end left. I suppose that this is the time of it all that I am meant to work the hardest, and you guys know me. I'm not afraid to work hard towards the goals of my life. I am a determined mofo, and thank god, or else the stress of life now days might just kill me.

Though all I'm doing is talking about my stress with school I've got to tell all of my beloved friends and family that I have reached a point in my life where I am truly happy. I love where my life is headed, love the person that I have become, and love everything going on in my life. Yes, even to a degree I love school. I feel that for the first time in a long time I have found peace in my life and I am seeing results for all of my hard work. I have a lot more goals that I am working towards (even more school... yes, I am officially crazy) and am excited to start a new road to my self exploration. I have experienced so much in the last two years, and I've gotta admit that though it has been a long, rough, emotional road I am realizing that everything happened for a reason and that my life was meant to be where it is at exactly this point. I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't experienced those trials. Guess I can't help be happy and thankful when I have so many amazing people surrounding my life and supporting me at every turn. I am so thankful for those who are always encouraging me, sending the random text/calls telling me how proud you are of me, and supporting me. You honestly have no clue how much your love and friendship means to me!

I am sorry that this blog is not a humorous one like it typically is, but I just wanted to send my love and thanks to you and let you know deeper feelings than just the surface humor I try to produce. I promise, I will incorporate my usual humor, stories, and jokes into the next blog. Much love to all of you! I couldn't do it without you!

And the Oscar Goes To... Godzilla Nurse!

The other day someone told me that it had been too long since I have last blogged about the fun of nursing school. And I realized yes, yes, it has been a long time since I blogged. So here it is friends, yet another post. I am not really sure what aspect I want to focus on for this blog, but then I never do. I always just start typing and it takes off into a life of its own.

Lets start with discussing the clinical rotation I just wrapped up (HUGE sigh of relief coming from over here). I switched clinical groups this time around, and though I desperately missed my friends from my other group I did have a blast with my new group. We were sent to LDS hospital where I found myself very excited to go somewhere new and experience new floors... oh, sweet innocent Marie... how I'd like to go back and give that girl a harsh awakening. Grab her by the shoulders and yell to her "No you fool! You won't get the experience that you are hoping for. It's not going to be this magically amazing wonderful eventful thing you have pictured in your head you silly little student." Ok... I am exaggerating this a bit. I did have good experiences. I did. Should I start with the happy good days I had there... or the oh my god did that really happen things? Let's start with the good, shall we?

I did have the opportunity that not any other students this semester were able to have where I did a clinical rotation in the ER. Now keep in mind, the only reason why I was able to go to the ER is because three (or was it four...) other floors refused to take a student and I had no where to go (this falls under one of those shitty experiences by the way). My rotation in ER is almost magical. Now, I was a little afraid about my day when it began with the first thing the charge nurse said to me was "spit out your gum, I'm not kidding." I just politely abilged, and thought to myself, "well shit, so this is how the day is going to go huh?" But she turned out to be super awesome. In the ER they had me starting IV's on everyone, which let me tell you is a bit intimidating when you have the RN, two cops, the Dr., and the paramedics along with the patient all staring at you while putting in the IV, especially seeing that it was only like my third one I had ever done. But lo and behold, I got it in, despite the fact that I was shaking terribly.

In the ER I was able to work with so many different types of cases and do a whole new type of nursing that I have never been exposed to. This was one major highlight of clinical, and one that I am most thankful for. Thank you to those bitch ass floors who refused to take me! I would've had a shit day anyways working with you.

East 8 and West 8 were both good experiences as well, just not as amazing as my ER rotation, but honestly, nothing can ever live up to that.

Now lets shift gears. I did do my first clinical day in wound care. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love (and that's putting it mildly) wounds. The more disgusting and foul it is the happier I am! So I was thrilled to go to wound care. The only problem was the nurse I was working with only had three cases that day. Which means, not a lot for Marie to do. At one point she was charting and I had been up since 4:45 in the morning and it was now about 11:00, and I was sleepy!!!! I asked the nurse I was working with if I could pull up a chair next to her pointing at one. She looks at me as if I'm crazy and says, "of course you can sit in that chair." Which I reply, verbatim, "ok, I just didn't want anyone getting upset because I stole their chair." My sweet little nurse looks at me like I am crazy, and I pull up the chair and sit down happy as hell to be chilling for a moment. Then I swear to god, it was like Godzilla coming in and looking to kill anything in site in China and this pregnant nurse who works in wound care comes trampling in looking for blood. I hear her scream "WHERE IS MY CHAIR?!? WHO TOOK MY CHAIR!!!!!!" At this point I start getting up and apologizing when all she wanted to do was continue on freaking out over a silly chair. It goes something like this: Godzilla nurse, "GET OUT OF MY CHAIR! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING TAKING MY CHAIR?!? GET OUT!!!!! GO GET THAT OTHER CHAIR OVER THERE!" Sweet little student nurse Marie "I'm sorry, I did ask first." Godzilla nurse: "I DON'T CARE! GET OUT OF MY CHAIR! HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY CHAIR!" Ok, at this point I am just getting angry. Sweet little student nurse Marie isn't so sweet anymore and turns into tired pissed off Marie, which goes something like this: "Is is really necessary to get this worked up over a freaking chair? Really? I did ask first, and I was told it was ok. If you are so upset about it why don't you go get the chair over there to sit in? There is no need to yell at me." Godzilla nurse at this time starts throwing an absolute fit about having students in the clinic and how much she hates us being there. What a joke it is, etc. etc. etc. oh... and etc. Yes friends, this is a true story. I will call it Godzilla needs her f-ing chair before she starts eating your babies for a snack.

I hope I don't get into trouble for this one, but I do have to share. Somewhere at some point (can't give specifics) there was a person who came in to be seen. I was able to go in and observe. Here is what I observed (once again, true story). A very very dirty person who looked like they just crawled out of the sewer, they had self done tattoos that look like she had to have been high or drunk (most likely both) while applying them with about six different guys names all over her body. Then this disgusting brown, which used to be white, wife beater shirt on pulled up where her boobs are hanging out of the top of it but her belly is hanging everywhere else. Black jeans which if I had to guess were about two sizes too small, about thirty plastic bracelets on both arms saying the most odd things, I think there may have even been one supporting the Justin Biber experience, cuts and scratches all over the body, food spilled all over her clothes, two eyebrow piercings, a tongue piercing, along with the chin (I think), and to top it all off Hannah Montana shoes. Please keep in mind this is probably a 50 year old woman. I would love to say why she was there, cuz it makes the story only better, but I would be really pushing it and could get into a lot of trouble for that one. So I won't go that far. But dear god, this woman looked like she had just finished blowing like 10 guys all at one all just for a hit of crack. It wasn't pretty, and still gives me nightmares to this day.

I guess all in all, now that I am done with yet another rotation of clinical I can say that I did learn a lot. Even if majority of the time it was how exactly I don't want to be when I'm a nurse. Oh, and I did learn to appreciate IMC a hell of a lot more as well.

There were a lot of laughs throughout this rotation with thanks to my friends. Jared is always good for a laugh. He is hilarious with his comments said under his breath that you feel lucky to hear. Stef who is so sweet and kind hearted that she lets some bitch of a nurse get to her because she is smarter than the nurse. Oh, and she did point out a CNA who is her "butt smacker". Danielle who is so funny at post conference because she is so excited about everything that she has so much to say, as the rest of us are trying to rush her along so we can get out early. Kristy and Heather for putting up with the rest of us so patiently though we all really know that we are irritating the hell out of them. Cori who keeps all of us on track with what's due and being a bit of a mama bear. Leah, oh sweet Leah, thank you for standing up and getting things to end a little bit quicker. And that laugh, how I adore your laugh! Melissa, you just suck right now cuz you got out of the last clinical and we are all super jealous that we didn't think of that first! Brandi, I loved loved loved our conversation the other day, and gained such a new respect for you. Thank you to you and Jared I have just learned that 5 is a magical number. I think the biggest hats off needs to go to Louise! That woman put up with a lot from us, and the looks she gave me at certain points were beyond priceless! Especially when I told her that I was afraid to go to West 6, not because I knew they were going to be rude to me but because when they were I knew I was going to lose my cool and tell them to f*@k off and then I'd fail clinical. Oh how her eyes bugged out, and she just looked at me with this amazing look of shock that she didn't know how to reply. I have a feeling that was the first time she ever had a student say those exact words to her during clinical.

My dear dear friends. Two weeks left of this semester and only one more left to go. Though I question it often I am starting to see the end and have a good outlook on my future (as far as the fact that school will EVENTUALLY end). I am so thankful to everyone involved in my life, I know that I don't get to see a lot of you often, and I am truly sorry. I promise, when school is over it is on and I will be involved yet once again. There's so many people I want to thank right now individually, but luckily it's not the Oscar's and I don't have to give a speech. And if I did, I think that at this point they would probably be turning on the music about now...

Endless Pain (AKA Nursing School)

WOW, I recently realized how long it has been since I have updated the nursing blog. I really did work on another memories page for the end of last semester, but it wasn't finished and it accidentally got deleted from my saved stuff, and it was just too much to rewrite. I was too busy wanting to run out and enjoy my winter vacation from school too... sorry to screw you guys out of that end of the semester tradition.

Speaking of winter vacation from school, can I just say that this last break was so desperately needed and none of it was wasted at all! I have not had so much fun in a very long time. Cori and I lived each day of that vacation up to it's fullest... to put it simply.

Now we're back to hitting the books and having no life yet again. But it will all pay off in the end, and we realize it. But it's hard not to get a little down when you want to go out and play and have fun and notice the stack of homework looking back at you mocking you. This semester I'm taking Med/Surg 2, Pharm 2, and nursing management (what I like to call the biggest waste of time class on the face of the planet). We are stuck having at least one test a week (some weeks more) and have found that most of us are a little bit flustered with all of the work going on. For example Jared and papa studying for the wrong test (you think papa would've learned after the final fiasco last semester), or people panicking because they suddenly think a B.S. management paper is due this week when it's really not due until March. It's been quite funny to read the message board for our co-hort on facebook! Thank you friends for that entertainment.

Like I said earlier, I have noticed that many of us (ok, most of us) in my co-hort right now are really feeling the pressure and are starting to let it get to us more than ever before. I think what it really comes down to is we are all exhausted to a whole new level we never realized before and are letting the small things get to us. But I guess at this point what we all need to do is adopt Josh's positive outlook on things. We are on a downward slope from here on out with school. We are closer to the finish line than ever before. And it will pay off ten fold in the long run. We signed up for this because we wanted to help people but I guess before we can help those in need we need to help ourselves. We need to push ourselves harder than ever before, and do everything we can to do it with our heads held high. Plus, friends, lets look at some of the funny things that have happened this semester, like Kim. My god that woman is hilarious and is the perfect fit for our class! Oh, and you guys missed my time spent on the IV simulator, but lets just say I felt bad for the poor girl who was in doing her time as Cori and I was... I don't know if cursing offended her, but I am sure I exposed her to new vocabulary that she has never heard before (that stupid program continuously saying I didn't let my prep dry long enough... my god! I don't have all damn day!)

I just wanted to do an update about school and to tell those who I don't have a chance to see often and want to know about how school is going I want you to know that I am surviving (barely some days, but overall I am surviving) and I want those who do go to school with me know how much I appreciate each of them for their understanding of what I am going through. We have already spent a lot of time of the phone reassuring each other that we can do this! We can get through this! Together. These people in my class are some of the best people around, and I am so thankful to have them there with me enduring the endless pain of what is called nursing school!